Sunday, April 10, 2011

Sunday April 10

The day started out good had plans to get a break and get away for the day with no kids. But of course the ex had to ruin it because he is an jerk and only thinks of him self. He would not take Spencer and then wonders why there is something wrong with him. I never in my dreams thought he would treat this little boy this way. And he says i'm the bad mother.
Sometimes I think I need to just pack up and move away from here.Would it be better I don't know. I don't know what the right answer is anymore. I try and I try to do what everyone wants, what is suppose to be right, what is the least thing that hurts others, but i'm the one with the tears. I am tired of being nice i'm tired of being hurt. I have some good friends that help me and look after me but I still cant get over the pain and the hurt that others have caused to let the good friends in.
I need the pain and hurt to go away.
April

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Saturday April 9

Its Saturday April 9th. 9 years ago I got married to a person that i thought i was in love with later learned i wasnt in love with him just the thought of being with someone. 9 years 3 kids later i face a divorce and have learned what kind of man i really married. I wish I would of woke up sooner and realized what I do now.

Raising 4 kids running a business and feeling like i am failing at everything I do because there isnt enough time for any of it. Has made me start to fall into a depression that I cant seem to climb away from. One day I cry the other day im happy I just want to be normal I want to feel normal. I want to scream and run away and hide.

Everyone says it gets better everyone says stay strong itll be ok.But why is it that I am the one getting hurt by all this the most why am I getting screwed with everything. Im not the one who did drugs im not the one who got arrested. Im not the one who touched me. But in the end he is still winning.

All I asked for was my life back. All I want is to be out of the controll of a drug addict.